Hanging on...

My emotions are failing me again. I'm feeling like I'm being pulled into 2 parts. One part of me want to message her, a chat however short will already be satisfactory. However, my other part just don't know what to talk about. Somehow i just can't find the words or link it together to start up a conversation with her. That's why my other part is holding me back, forcing me to decide on what to talk about before even saying hello.

I don't know why this is happening to me. It might not seem as the Weng Hoe you all know who is talkative and sociable. I am able to talk to anyone i wanted to but somehow, just somehow she is the only one who is able to make me speechless and I will sometimes just forget what to say when i see her. People who knows me will think that i don't know the meaning of the word 'shy'. However, I might be experiencing it at this particular moment. Maybe I'm just too shy to talk to her.

I've been imagining this situation in my mind over and over again, predicting countless outcomes and reactions as well as what to say. I know some of you out there will think that I'm pretty stupid to be doing so much prep work just to talk to someone but it's just the way i work. Also I've been promising to myself that I would pick up the courage and talk to her even planning out what to say in order to keep the conversation going. But when the time comes, I would just suddenly forget every single thing like how it is right now.

Maybe it's because i haven't learn to open up to people yet due to some events in my past. It has not only made me more conservative but also more secretive to my friends. Think about it, how many of you can honestly say that you know about me, my lifestyle, my habits, what i like most, my hobbies and most of all my past. Most people might see me as a hypocrite if they realize how i am hiding behind a 'mask' deceiving everyone, but this is not what i want and it is because of my past. I've been hiding behind a 'mask' since secondary school and this 'mask' has grown onto me. Also, i don't only hide behind one 'mask' as i am constantly changing it due to the different people i meet. Its been so long since i last look back at my 'original face' and this has cause me to almost forget who i really am. And it's these 'mask' which i have to remove in order to be myself again can't be remove without help.

There are only 3 people in this world (other than her) who can help me now. Those 3 are the people whom i met at different stages of my life and they've been giving me support whether or not they realize it. 2 of them are my closest friends, friends who has earned partial trust from me. One of them is just a friend whom can somehow make me open up a little more while talking to me. These 3 may not realize but they're making a huge impact in my life, positively that is. The funny thing is, these 3 people are all girls.

Enough ranting. I guess I'll just hit the bed and try to forget about it as the reason I'm posting this right now is because she's online and i just can't talk to her.